‘Epstein Client List’ Triggers MAGA Mutiny

[Author’s Note: Given the national interest in this unfolding scandal, I’m publishing this special edition today. It will stand in lieu of Monday’s regularly scheduled post.]

For years, Donald Trump and his MAGA consigliere peddled conspiracies about Jeffrey Epstein’s little black book of high-profile Democratic pedophiles. They made millions doing it. But nothing showed how reckless yet persuasive they were quite like the infamous Pizzagate saga.

In 2016, MAGA amplified a wild claim that top Democrats were running a child sex ring out of the basement of a DC pizzeria. That inspired a gun-toting cult member to storm the place, convinced he was rescuing trafficked children. There wasn’t even a basement, let alone any victims. Thankfully, no one got hurt.

That incident should’ve discredited the movement. Instead, it became the blueprint. Because once Epstein’s name resurfaced, MAGA simply rebranded Pizzagate — with a billionaire’s plane (code-named Lolita), a Caribbean hideaway (nicknamed Pedophile Island), and a little black book supposedly filled with the names of elite Democrats.

That’s why Trump and his MAGA consigliere wasted no time peddling conspiracies about Epstein's death. Notably, they spun it as a hit job the Democrats in his pedophile ring ordered to silence him.

But then, like the dog that caught the car, Trump got reelected last year. More to the point, he promptly appointed many of these same conspiracy mongers to run the Department of Justice, including the FBI. For months, his MAGA “investigative A-team” teased the mother of all disclosures — Epstein files so explosive they’d make the JFK and MLK files look like bedtime thrillers for children. Leading the charge: Attorney General Pam Bondi, FBI Director Kash Patel, and his deputy, Dan Bongino.

Except all they ended up releasing was an unsigned memo stating, flatly, that no Epstein client list exists. Even worse (for them), it confirmed what even I knew: Epstein killed himself. For MAGA believers, though, these three stooges releasing this memo was a bigger letdown than Geraldo Rivera opening Al Capone’s vault.

In fact, MAGA believers felt as betrayed as Dr. Frankenstein’s monster — and they’re now acting out just like he did. To be fair, though, even MAGA high priest Tucker Carlson blared the question animating their understandable rage:

How can you say thousands of children were raped and not investigate that?

So MAGA world is now in full meltdown. Bondi is getting roasted online for walking back her claim of “truckloads” of Epstein material. Bongino is reportedly threatening to resign after a screaming match with Bondi at the White House. And Patel is being cuckolded by MAGA trolls dragging his girlfriend’s name through the digital sewer. (What’s the point of dating the FBI boss if he can’t even stop that? Man up, TACO boy...)

Of course, the cover-up is always worse than the crime. But rarely has that Washington cliché rung truer than in this case. For the record, here’s what I think:

• Epstein didn’t just have a little black book; he had Diddy-style tapes of powerful men in very compromising positions.

• When the preternaturally lucky Trump got elected in 2016, he knew he had to use his presidential powers to destroy any evidence Epstein had of their pedophile “freak offs” with underage girls. Especially since, during that same campaign, a woman accused him and Epstein of raping her in 1994… when she was just 13.

• Trump’s DOJ finally had Epstein arrested in July 2019. Law enforcement then searched every crevice of every Epstein residence — to recover or destroy any compromising evidence involving Trump and his cohorts.

• Epstein realized then that whatever leverage he had was either lost, or now in Trump’s possession… to use as blackmail. That’s why, just one month later, Epstein killed himself in prison.

• To tie up loose ends, Trump had Epstein’s madame, Ghislaine Maxwell, arrested in July 2020. She’s now serving 20 years — able to tell tales, but unable to prove any of them.

Trust me: if Biden’s DOJ had any evidence that men like Trump, Bill Gates, and Bill Clinton were part of a pedophile ring, prosecutors would’ve made a very public show of locking them up.

That said, the irony is that Trump wouldn’t lose a single influencer even if he were at the top of Epstein’s client list. After all, his base forgave porn stars, pussy-grabbing, and even an attempted coup. The problem is, he rose to power by promising to expose Democratic pedophiles. Now, like Frankenstein’s monster, his base is demanding prison — for them, even if not for him.

This MAGA debacle is a perfect case study in the dangers of riding the conspiracy tiger. Trump and his allies spent years weaponizing the Epstein story. They fed their base a steady diet of paranoid fantasies about murdered witnesses and covered-up client lists.

But conspiracy theories are like fire — useful when they’re torching your enemies, deadly when they turn on you. MAGA world has now reached the point where even their own FBI director can’t satisfy their craving for shadowy plots and hidden truths.